Oh well, Hello again…

Hi, my name is Laitha… I’m 29 years old and my mom has Stage IV Brain Cancer…

This, this is all I’ve been thinking about since my mom got diagnosed with brain cancer a few weeks ago. I’ve been hiding inside my mind trying to process everything that has been going on. I’ve been fighting between denial and anger and every other feeling that creeps up night and day. I have spent the last few weeks trying my best (and failing) to ignore it, to act like it’s something that can be cured and that everything is just gonna go back to normal.

I would like to think that feeling and acting this way is normal when you find out a parent has a disease that eats at them slowly and starts breaking down a human being you thought was immune to such things. Like any other kid growing up, I always thought my mom possessed the ability of being immortal, I looked up to that woman and I will feel like nothing could tear her down. She IS the strongest human I have ever met and all my live I’ve always wanted to be like her in that aspect. As I faced with the hardest challenge of my life, I notice that I will never be able to be as strong as my mom is, how my mental and emotional health make it nearly impossible for me to process shit as amazing as she does.

The worst park about all this is knowing that this cancer is eating away at her brain and there’s is literally nothing we can do. We just sit here and wait and see if the chemo/radiation therapies (which hasn’t even started) would give us a few extra months with our mom. Waiting, waiting, all this waiting to see if my mom is gonna die now or later. Seeing her in anger and sadness and desperate because she keeps having lapses with her memory and it gets annoying and she can’t do anything but just sit there and wait. I have no idea how my mom is processing all this in her head, I hate the fact that she is probably trapped in her head thinking about god only knows what. I don’t want my mom to suffer.

As the days go by, I feel myself drifting into darkness and comfortable numbness… not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to face it, not wanting to let anyone know how broken I feel inside. Putting up this fake front, when inside I’m screaming and crying and losing my shit. I know I shouldn’t bottle up this shit, and learn from my past and push myself to talk about things that kill me little by little. In this case, I don’t wanna talk about it, I don’t want to hear opinions or thoughts or have to find ways to make people understand. I’m writing it down so I can at least push myself to open up and let some stuff out into the light so the darkness can’t keep creeping up. I know I’m not alone, I know a lot of people are going through their own worst nightmares. I know that things are temporary and that shit ends up how they should.

I’m not anywhere ready to lose my mom. I don’t think anyone is when they love a parent or guardian or family member or whatever. I’ve been acting impulsively lately and trying to hide away and not deal with shit. The past three months have been a fucking shit show and so is my mental health (I will get profesional help soon, pinky promise).

This probably makes no sense but I had to get some stuff out of my chest so we’ll see. Maybe this will help me let go of things that have been weighing me down… who knows.

*I apologize for any misspelled words or grammar errors, it’s been a while and I don’t feel like editing my post.

Playlist:

  • Vices – Memphis May Fire
  • One of the Drunks – Panic! at the Disco
  • My Darkness – Destroy The Runner
  • Four Years – The Story So Far
  • De Rodillas – Reik
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